Unpacking the Unease: Why Perfect Seasonal Moments Can Leave You Feeling Discontent
The past two days were very tough. I had a lot of moments feeling deeply depressed and questioning myself. Unfortunately, this occurs often. I will say that my ability to show self-compassion and pull myself back up has improved, but it is still difficult.
The seasonal job that I am currently in is for 5 months and I began second guessing this decision. I realized that when I have off days, hence more time to think sometimes I go down this perpetual spiral. I don’t want to always be busy to feel functional. I sought after a seasonal job because 5 months could really setup me up perfectly for the seasons to come. Now that I am here, I kind of don’t really want to do it, at least that was a thought that popped into my head. Is this another moment of me just overthinking? I have my own room, I don’t have to pay for food, the pay is good, I haven’t put gas in my truck in two weeks, and the best of it all the people here are amazing! So why do I feel so off?
To be frank, I don’t even know what I truly want to do in life. But there are a few things that I know will help me to figure it out. One, developing my social skills. I have been isolated for so long at times I feel that I do not know how to communicate effectively with others. I am learning to accept people for who they are, find things in common, and build relationships through both. I am also learning to be secure and comfortable with myself to achieve this goal. Two, stop running away from situations, instead embrace, learn, and adapt. I have become comfortable with abruptly leaving people and places when things get uncomfortable. There is a fine line between tolerating disrespect and embracing tough moments as an opportunity to learn and grow. I believe that I have made the right decisions to leave some situations but there are also other times where I believe that if I endured a bit more, I could have learned necessary lessons. Last, learn to balance my discipled schedule in different environments while still reaching for other goals, such as being social. I would sacrifice an opportunity to commune with others because I am accustomed to going to bed extremely early. I’ve realized that we are all working 40 hours per week in a very isolated area. Therefore, when everyone is off work and there is free time, it is an exciting opportunity to connect, hang out, and get to know one another.
This seasonal job is the perfect opportunity to really home in on developing desired skills. I am grateful that I have come to this realization in the first two weeks of being here because now I have 4.5 months to truly grow. I want to be more social while still being true to myself. I want to build resilience and be able to hold steadfast during times that challenge me. The main thing is, every time that I run away, I face the same problems in a new location. I have done this repeatedly, which completely defines insanity.
While I was feeling so deeply down and depressed a few things happened. A few employees higher up the chain of command came to me and said how great of a job I have been doing. I mean they came with deep gratitude and appreciation for my work that I was quite shocked. Another situation is that my supervisor said to me, “if anyone ever came up to me and said Brianna this or Brianna that, I said you’re lying. Do you have proof?” She said it so casually, but I was so stunned by such an amazing compliment. Within two weeks, I have shown such a graceful and willing character that they feel very confident in my abilities and recognize my pure intentions.
To hear these things about myself from people that have only known me for two weeks deserves such a big pat on my own back. I have embodied the values that means the most to me and others see it through my character and my conduct. These moments were so fulfilling. They gave me the enthuse to continue doing a great job and to show myself more grace and compassion when things “seem” difficult. I will remember why I am here and that I am displaying exactly what I desire, sincere empathy and dedication to myself which is showing through my work. These light bulb moments are the Universe showing me that I am in alignment with my goals and in the direction that I decided to head to. I am immensely grateful.
If you have ever had moments like these, feel free to share! Shoot me an email at hello@TheBriannaAmanda.com