Week 6: Daily Battles with Depression: Uncovering the Strength Within
Gratitude of the Week: I am grateful that I have reached a point of mindfulness and awareness within that when I have hard days, I know that it is okay to simply relax and show myself grace.
Depression comes in waves and presents itself differently in people. For some, depression is a daily battle while for others it may be sporadic. Either way, the internal battle is challenging. The constant repetition of effortlessly maintaining a stable mind can be a draining process. But one thing that I have learned is that repetition builds strength and resilience. The more that you understand how depression shows up in your life and what triggers it, the better prepared you can be to care of it in a timely manner. This process may take a lot of work in the beginning, but it is worth the diligence in the end.
This past week felt very depressive and extremely challenging which increased concern for myself. Everything seemed hard, everything seemed difficult, and as the days continued, I felt myself becoming increasingly hopeless. Because I was unable to identify the root causes, I resorted to the basics, just get through the day. The most concerning part about the past week is that I reentered a self-defeating mind frame. I had thoughts such as what am I doing at this seasonal job, is this truly a season that I need to endure, I truly do not want to be here and are these constant repetitive days worth the headache and heartache that I feel? These constant thoughts opened the door to passive suicidal ideations of no longer wanting to be alive and I begin to question was life worth living.
Now, it has been a while since I have had thoughts of this nature, so I became very concerned for myself. I was hypervigilant that this was a major problem and something needed to be done. Normally, I would speak with my therapist, but my sessions ended when I began this seasonal job. Therefore, I asked myself, what can I do? I decided to resort to a level of transparency with a few coworkers. While I was helping one coworker build a bed in her van, we chatted a bit. She asked me why I haven’t been at the dining hall, I replied “I spent my lunch crying in my room.” She asked did I need a hug and I just said no I am okay that I just needed to say it out loud. She expressed her concern but saw that I was in a bit of a better mood by assisting her which helped my mind to stop ruminating. A different coworker that I work with daily, I was honest and let her know that my mornings had been rough lately. She asked questions that made me think. Her genuine questions drove me to dig inside for answers instead of being stuck in depressing thoughts. She asked me, “what do you think the root is?” I was honest, I said “I am just questioning everything including being here.” She replied, “I understand, I question it also but just remember why we are here, to save money to be closer to achieve the next goal that we have.” The conversation alone just helped a ton, and I was just grateful to no longer hold it all in.
As I began to reflect more, I realized that the depression was rooted from my frustrations with things in this new location such as the constat bugs bites, being so stationary, the frustration with keeping up with my hair in a shared space and not really connecting with others in a way. As I pondered upon these concerns, I realized that they were all very manageable. Although some may be a bit challenging, there was something that I could do about them. For example, constantly being stationary, I just needed to suck it up and make the 1.5-hour drive to the city for a breath of fresh air and get work done. So, I did just that and now I am writing this blog in Barnes and Noble and I feel a huge weight of off my shoulders. Another example is doing my hair in a shared space. I decided that on my last off day of my work week since I get off before everyone else, I would take the time to wash my hair in the shower so that I could be back in my room before the others work shift ended. This way on my off days, I do not have to worry about doing my hair. That was another weight off my shoulders. Although both examples take a bit more effort, it is a temporary situation, but I can handle it. Instead of focusing on how annoying it may be, it is what I must do and can do for now. I told myself I need to reframe how I identify these “inconveniences.”
When battling daily depression, the best course of action that I have found to be most beneficial is to break things down into a microcosm. Viewing things on a large scale becomes overwhelming and unmanageable for me. Since I have become more in tune with myself, I have learned to let embarrassment fly out the window because safety is much more important. Those coworkers are not my best friends but associates that I have found to be trustworthy enough to have a degree of vulnerability with them. One year ago, I would have suffered in silence which would only have continued to drive me down a downward spiral. This week showed a level of social growth that I did not quite see within myself, but I am grateful that I stepped out of my comfort zone for the sake of my dire need escape this mental runt. I am finding the balance and finally understanding the importance of a social circle. Also, most importantly being able to identify folks who I can trust enough to assist me in some manner or degree. I am truly grateful for them and myself. I feel much better now, and I have goals to ensure that the next week runs more smoothly.
If you struggle with the highs and lows of depression or would like to share your story, feel free to email me at hello@TheBriannaAmanda.com