Week 5: Embracing Vulnerability: How Sharing My Writing Publicly Transformed My Fear into Confidence
Gratitude of the Week: I am grateful that I have embraced my fear and insecurities of writing to do what I love and enjoy, sharing my thoughts.
My Love for Reading
Reading has always been something that I loved to do as a child. I remember how I fell in love with reading in my youth. Growing up, I was often at my grandmother’s house whether because we lived with her or after school my mom was still working. My grandmother always had a book on the living room table that she was reading. Over time, I’d notice when the bookmark was moved and when there was a new book on the table. In elementary school our teacher introduced the class to the BOOK IT! program. The purpose of this program was to challenge elementary school students to reach a monthly reading goal and upon a successful completion, you’d earn a certificate to Pizza Hut for a free personal pan pizza. I was locked in on getting pizza every month.
I told my grandmother about the program and that I needed to get books to read so that I could reach the monthly reading goal for free pizza. She was a library card holder, and we were only three metro rail train stops away from Buffalo’s main public library. So, my grandmother and I took a trip to the public library, and she pointed out the children’s section. I was in awe; there were so many books that I was quite overwhelmed with the number of choices. The kindest librarian assisted me in learning how to browse through the different sections and look up tv shows that I enjoyed watching in which some shows offered books. I remember finding books from “Arthur”, a 90s show that ran on PBS kids. I loved watching Arthur before school, so I was excited to read the books. I had a stack of books!
I would read, read, and read some more. I finished the books well before the month was over. I was always the first student to turn in my BOOK IT! list to receive my Pizza Hut certificate. The joy that I had when I went to my mom to take me to Pizza Hut for my free personal pan pizza was pure joy and gratitude. I loved it! As I entered middle school, I aged out of the BOOK IT! program. I got my fix of free pizza, but I had developed a passion for reading and wanted to continue. So, my grandmother took me to the library and finally I received my very first card EVER, a library card. Although she still accompanied me to pick up books, I had my own card to check them out to continue reading.
My Upbringing and the Culture of Ebonics
Other than my grandmother, no one else is my environment read books. I played outside with other kids in the neighborhood but knowledge-based things that I enjoyed, the others were not interested in. Proper language was not spoken, and I developed the habit of speaking Ebonics. Ebonics is simply the Foundational Black Americans English dialect, broken English. Growing up no one around me ever spoke proper English. To be frank, Blacks who spoke proper English was said to be “talking white,” a prejudice rooted in deep racial essentialism. This made me hesitant to feel free with improving my vocabulary and properly speaking, so I didn’t.
College Writing
I noticed that I developed a deep insecurity about writing and as I got older, that insecurity increased. In college, I always dreaded writing papers because majority of the critics when turning in assignment were on my grammar. I specifically recall the professor consistently saying, “if you need assistance with grammar or structuring your paper, to utilize the writing center in the college library where they help student with both.” I did not feel offended; I was always grateful for any additional help that I could get. I began using the writing center for every paper and every class. I really enjoyed reading my papers that the students in the writing center corrected because I had a visual of how I wrote versus the proper way to do so. I began to pick up better grammatical habits with their assistance.
Embracing What I Love and Growing in the Process
Those college years were over 10 years ago and now I have gained an inspiration to write blogs to share my experiences and perspectives. Initially, I felt uneasy because that insecurity of writing still left remnants deep within me. But one thing that I have learned over the years is to embrace fear and do what you love and over time you will get better. I procrastinated a bit in creating my website to begin blogging then I had a moment of self-reflection. I then set a date to have my website created and another date to post my first blog. It began to be less about the fear and insecurity and more about discipline and maintaining my self-integrity.
When I posted my first blog, it was one of my proudest moments because I knew that it was not as grammatically correct as I desired it to be. I told myself that it did not have to be perfect and that was okay. I am sure that I feared judgement for a minute but then there will always be people who will have something to say and there will always be people who love and support, so it does not matter. The most interesting part about consistently writing week by week is that I see the improvement in my writing. I am putting more effort into how to structure my sentences. Moreso, when I reread a draft later in the day or even the next day, I see corrections or additions to make as if I am looking with a new set of eyes. It has been a beautiful experience and I am grateful that I am enjoying the work that I am doing just because it makes me happy. I feel more courageous and confidence because my writing is coming from the purest place within me.
If this resonates with you or you would like to share your experience with the battle between fear and freedom, feel free to email me at hello@TheBriannaAmanda.com