Week 2: Maintaining My Poise

Gratitude of the Week

I am grateful that I am maintaining my poise in recent situations that I have encountered no matter the difficulty and stayed true to myself without falling into the emotions, thoughts, or opinions of others. 

Finding What is Important to Me

Throughout the past two years I have been truly dedicated to becoming who I desire to be. Within that process I have found two very important concepts that are my ongoing tools for guidance, the virtue that I live by and my top five values. Finding and understanding both has been a journey and a battle within itself because of some deeply rooted trauma that obviously shaped how I view the world. But through consistency and arriving at acceptance of my past, I was then able to be present enough to find what is important to me. Identifying the virtue that I live by and values that are most important to me is the contributing factor to how I conduct myself in all situations that I encounter.

My Virtue

What virtue do I live by? Empathy. I have recognized patterns throughout my life of giving my all and having episodes of completely crashing and feeling drained afterwards. It was as if I needed a major recharge because I had nothing left. It never made sense, but I always felt that I gave much to others and received very little in return. This cycle brought upon thoughts of low self-esteem, unworthiness, restlessness, and deep insecurities. I believed that I was always being taken advantage of and my willingness to go above and beyond for others put me in many unsafe situations. 

Being a person of deep empathy, I feel everything. In combination with always feeling the need to rescue others, because as a child I wanted and needed to be rescued. Therefore, I allowed my natural virtue of empathy to be abused. It is in my being to compassionately listen to others and put myself in their shoes but as I have learned, to everything balance is a necessity.

Throughout my time of being alone and isolated from people and noise I have come to learn and truly understand how to find balance. There is a deep need for people to be heard and to feel understood which explains why genuinely empathetic people naturally attract others. The vitality of understanding one’s own need is of the upmost importance. When I feel drained, I take the needed time for myself even if that means that I am unable to give others what they may need from me. There is deep work for a person of empathy to come to the realization that he or she is not responsible for the emotions of others during moments of drawbacks to recenter oneself, to recalibrate. But it is important to understand that without regaining one’s own mental energy levels, that person will inevitably be less effective, less present anyway.

My Values

What are my top five values? Love, compassion, empathy, discipline, and safety.

Love. Love is the embodiment and true understanding that we are all connected and simply are just reflections of one another. With deep love of the world brings about peace of the endless possibilities but also a pain from the struggle of others lacking the sight of value in everyone and everything.

Compassion. The ignorance of the cycles of life has the world in a chokehold and has caused a mental health epidemic in the world. But those who have been through different struggles, cycles, and seasons of sunny days embrace both ends of the spectrum. Compassion drives a person to be mindful with a heartfelt understanding that the conduct of others may be rooted in unexplored or unrecognized trauma and/or struggles.

Empathy. Empathy allows a person to connect to others with a deep understanding whether he or she has experienced what is shared or not. It is the art of compassionate listening and deep love for humanity. It is true connectedness.

Discipline. Discipline is a deep drive to maintain diligence and persistence through the good and the most difficult times. Consistent disciplines reveals that what a person puts in he or she will get out what is worked for and more. Discipline helps to build neuroplasticity to unlock levels of potential one would never experience without the constant drive to keep going.

Safety. Safety is the dedication to the assurance that one will be mindful in all aspects of life. Making decisions about health, financial, relational and all situations in mind. Safety pushes a personal to think and plan before acting to prevent harmful situations to occur or to reoccur.

Maintaining My Poise Through the Embodiment of What is Important to Me

I have lived a life of putting others before myself. Caring for others has always been important to me but my approach became very detrimental to my mental health and self-worth. Going on a journey of self-reflection and what is important to me has been a turning point in my life shifting my perspective on everything. I often took things personal or conformed to any environment to ensure that others were comfortable, neglecting myself.

I have recently stepped into a very different environment from my norm, and it is a challenge. The environment is peaceful, historical, and very nature based; an ideal location for a reset. The challenging part is being exposed to a variety of people and personalities. I have had a very warm welcome and the people are kind, but I see that we have very little in common and I am okay with that. The challenging part is not feeling compelled to push or force any relationships. For example, we have set breakfast, lunch, and dinner times and most staff sit together. The conversations are not typical conversations that I would engage in but also, I don’t feel that my presence piques any interest. So, after two weeks of feeling this way, I decided to start sitting alone, I feel much more comfortable. 

Now, that I sit alone the others have continued to reassure me that I can sit with the staff, but it is awkward for me. When I am working, I do not talk about work and have no desire to do so. I do understand that others have deep connections with the job and a beautiful enthuse when the season begins. That is simply not me and I have come to accept that. I will not force myself to be or do anything that make me uncomfortable. I do my job to the best of my ability; I help when it is needed and I am always in a positive and energetic mood.

Normally, I would begin overthinking about how they may now feel about me or worse, sit with them at every meal despite that deep down I prefer not to. Now, I do what feels best for me and I don’t think about what they may be thinking about me at all. It doesn’t even cross my mind. I have learned that I am not responsible for how others feel or what they may think. On the flipside, they may not be thinking anything at all. But either way I am comfortable enough to listen to what it is that I need for myself.

Not all environments will produce continued relationships. Who knows, maybe things will change eventually. If things happen organically, I am open to that, but nothing will be forced on my part. I no longer feel safety when I engage in something when in the pit of my stomach, I know that I should not. I have grown to learn how to listen to myself, my intuition. I am comfortable sitting alone amid a group of people and every time I choose myself, I feel stronger and more connected to me, which is the goal, grow stronger daily.

If this resonated with you feel free to send me an email at hello@TheBriannaAmanda.com