Week 3: Anti Antidepressants - Embracing Your Depression for a Deeper Understanding

Gratitude of the Week I am grateful that when I became deeply depressed and was forced to get help in the Army, I chose not to take antidepressants.

The Beginning‍ ‍

When I went to basic training in February 2015, it was challenging but I believed that I could get through it. I am not even sure that it was what I expected but I wanted very deeply to be a United States Army soldier, so I pushed through every challenge. It was very difficult because there were so many different components to adjust to while still learning and training. Upon completion of basic training, I was stationed in Yongsan, South Korea. It was a big change but being around other soldiers made it much more manageable. What I did not expect was the leadership culture.

I was a very emotional child and that emotional cloud followed me into adulthood. Leadership and guidance are things that I believe that I have always looked for due to parental absence and a lack of familial and friend connections. The first person that I could recollect being a leader in my life was my basketball coach in high school and I was grateful for his compassionate and understanding nature. With this, I truly had a certain expectation for leadership.

Growing up in the 90s, I remember the very enticing Army commercials on tv, “Be All You Can Be” which was retired in the year 2000. And in high school I had a strong pull to be a Soldier when the “Army Strong” commercials launched in 2006. Watching these commercials on tv, I knew that one day I would become a solider. But because of my upbringing, going to college was a priority as well. Therefore, I went to college after high school and joined the Army at 25 years old. At this point, I had a few experiences with people and organizations, so I was a bit more mature than the 18 years olds that I mostly joined with.

Bamboozled‍ ‍

The leadership culture that was portrayed, in my experience, was not what was depicted throughout the Army campaigns that I remembered growing up with. When I arrived in Yongsan, I was placed in a position with more responsibility because I came in at a higher rank due to my college education. I was responsible for 2 American soldiers and 2 South Koreans soldiers (Katusas) that worked with us. I was honored for the privilege, but I felt abandoned because I was not truly taught how to do my job. It was overwhelming and my sergeant who truly was in charge was barely around. He had been in the Army for over 15 years, and he had no enthuse to help and train me. I was always scrambling, making mistakes, attending to my soldiers and it was just too much without guidance. Eventually I got into a routine, demanded answers to my questions and heckled leadership for assistance. Ultimately, I left Yongsan with a higher award than normal first year soldiers would get due to my consistent and stellar performance, but it came at a cost.

Again, I truly felt abandoned and believed that I got into this organization upon lies that was sold on the tv commercials. I could not wrap my mind around that fact that I had 4 more years of this. This concept I simply could not wrap my mind around. I became extremely depressed, and I missed many morning formations, racking up many “failure to reports.” I established such an impressive and high reputation in a very short amount of time because I rarely complained, sought guidance when needed and did a damn good job. So, when I began missing formations and not showing up to physical training, they noticed that I had a lot going on mentally. I went to see a therapist on the Army post, but I don’t quite remember the sessions at this point. I do recall that the therapist recommended antidepressants and I declined. I could not comprehend the purpose of them; it sounded very scary to me.

At some point, there was a Chief Warrant Officer that was cool easy to talk to, so I asked to speak with her. I told her that the therapist recommended to take antidepressants and I declined them because I was not comfortable. She mentioned that she took them and that they worked for her. I was so shocked, and I truly could not believe that this is really a thing. That people were taking pills to help regulated their emotions, this is what I understand as the purpose of antidepressants. She gave me a bottle of pills and told me that they would help. I am not sure if they were antidepressants because they had a store-bought label and not a medical prescription label. I felt uneasy because it seemed that I could not trust anyone at this point. I never took the pills that she gave me; I trashed them once I left Korea.

Deeper Depression – A Bigger Push to Take Antidepressants ‍ ‍

After I served one year in Yongsan, South Korea, my next duty station was Fort Drum, NY which was upstate New York. I had hopes that things would improve at my new unit, but this place weighed heavy on my mental health. Initially, I was managing very well until a brand new Second Lieutenant (new to the Army officer but higher rank than enlisted soldiers) came in looking to prove herself. I will spare the details in this post, but things went very downhill for me. At this time, I had to attend therapy for alcohol abuse and to discuss my issues. I was again offered antidepressants and I told the therapist, “I don’t feel comfortable taking these pills because I don’t want to be going through something and not feeling what I am supposed to be feeling because it seems like it would cause more conflict within myself.” I was finally able to verbalize why I did not want to take antidepressants.

Yes, I continued to struggle, but at this point I was just trying to make it day by day. I ended up in the psychiatric ward twice at Fort Drum. The wildest part is that there were other soldiers and civilians on this psychiatric unit, and I could remember twice a day they would do a call for everyone to get in line for their pills; I was the only one who never got in line. This was mind blowing. Seeing that was even more confirmation that I will never take antidepressants.

Antidepressants Today‍ ‍

I came across a video discussing Jordan Peterson, well known Clinical Psychologist who is suffering from akathisia due to withdrawals of antidepressants from five years ago. I went down a rabbit hole of antidepressant withdrawal symptoms and the damage that they have been causing people. I came across some unbelievably saddening stories. I began to think about all the times that different therapists offered me antidepressants and I declined; I was filled with gratitude. I have suffered and endured countless number of times over the years, but I am always striving to become better every day. Some days are better than others but overall, I am grateful. I found that feeling every emotion is important because it is information that tells you, “Hey work on this” or “hey why is this bothering you.” I use this information to heal. Sometimes it works, sometimes I allow my emotions to get too deep, yet I say, I am still here fighting for myself.

If this resonated with you or you would like to share your experience, feel free to send me an email at hello@TheBriannaAmanda.com‍ ‍