Understanding the Significance of Grieving the Childhood You Never Experienced

Childhood Development

Every child deserves a kind, loving, and safe childhood but unfortunately that is not the story for everyone. The unfortunate situation that children are brought into is having parents who have not done the work to deal with their personal healing. Hurt people hurt people and although this may not be the intent it occurs far too often. There are adults who discuss starting a family and how they would like to raise their children. Then there are others who simply just have children and raise them on a whim with no intent or consideration of the needs of a developing human at all. A child enters a world with complete dependency on the adults who will set the standards of life, and the child will embody and adapt any characters and tendencies that they see in their environment. The problem is when adults do not see their habits and perspectives as toxic.

Acknowledging Trauma – Calling A Spade A Spade

Personally, it took until I was 35 years old to truly understood the depths of the toxicity from the environment in which I was raised and how much it played a pivotal role in the way that I had been living my life. There were many things about myself that I began to question. Also, because I went away to college, joined the Army, and lived in different states on my own, I was exposed to different people and different ways of life. I realized that I was not close to my family, they did not know how to truly love, and that they had deeply rooted traumas. Through my own healing process, I began to see and understand why they were that way but that is far from an excuse.

I have always been the child who was doing something constructive in life until I came home after 16 years because I was struggling a lot. I know that they saw a change in me, but no one ever inquired. They talked about me behind my back because I noticed during more relaxed times, I would catch comments like “yea you pissed me off yesterday” or “your sister and I see you changed and we don’t know what happened to you.” My family gossips about everything under the sun. These comments left me hurt because they came from a judgmental point of view, not a place of concern to help. I recall bringing up some very traumatic experiences and their responses were very mild and dismissive. I realized that they don’t know how to care and my past pains was not on their radar to help me heal.

I was in therapy and I voiced these situations because it was the only safe place that I had to process everything that I was dealing with. I told my therapist about these comments and how I felt, and he asked me a simple question that changed my world and my entire perspective, “why do you continue to deal with that?” I thought for a while and my response was “I don’t know, because they are family.” My own response did not sit right with me. I was giving them a pass to dismiss my pain because they are family and they contributed to a lot of the trauma that I was still dealing with. So, I decided to go no contact.

Going no contact was not an easy decision, and I struggled with it for many month, I still do. When I think about sitting down and talking with them, I remember the times that I tried with a bit more mild concerns, they were very dismissive. For example, I asked my mother do she remember when my older brother used to always pick fights with me and beat me up. She said that she remembered, and she would whoop him and tell him to stop. I said mom, you do know that it never stopped, he traumatized throughout high school literally. She just said, oh shit I didn’t know and had gone silent. That was a mild enough concern to not mention other traumas on a grander scale. I was no longer interested or willing to put the work in and be my most vulnerable when they already showed their true colors. I was left to heal on my own which was a hard pill to swallow, but suffering is a part of life and offsetting suffering exists as its polarity. Although the traumatic experiences were not my fault, they were my problem to deal with, so I did.

The Effects of Healing

When you are on a healing journey, it does not mean that the pain will go away but it will become more tolerable. You begin to learn to manage life through the pains. There was a plethora of moments where I would see other families enjoying life, being kind to their children, doing things that I never experienced, and I would get deeply depressed. For me, it was because I never properly grieved the childhood that I never had. I never knew that I needed to until therapy. My inner child was wounded, and I never took the time to heal. I began to remember the things that I enjoyed when I was younger and do them as an adult. When I have emotional moments from my childhood, I started to allow myself to cry and reparent myself. I reparent myself in the aspect of giving myself emotional support, validation, and attention, things that I did not receive as a child. This was vital because inside I was still a broken, hurt, and neglected child. I began to feel such a release by simply mourning the childhood that I never experienced.

This grieving process was such a release that it created space for me to see things from a different perspective. I previously had so many pinned up emotions, once they were released, I was able to experience new emotions. I realized that my life and healing was now in my hands. One thing that I did was find a baby picture and a picture when I was maybe 11 years old and got wallet sized photos of them. One set is hanging on the review mirror of my car because I told myself, that young Brianna will go everywhere with adult Brianna and we will experience new things together. The other set is on my keychain because I will always be with me and when times get hard, I look at my younger self and say, “we will be alright.” It is the small things that matters the most. I now smile every time I see my younger self, and when we are experiencing something new together.  

The healing process has been a journey, but a journey in the direction that I desire to go. This process has allowed me to look at families and smile because I see the love that the child is receiving. I no longer feel depressed about the childhood that I never had. I still have moments, but they are no longer the majority. I feel happier and live my life in gratitude because as an adult, I can do exactly what I want, how I want, and when I want. I have developed a sense of self and being a people pleaser is no longer my course of action. I have created my own safety through awareness and mindfulness. I immense myself in deep empathy and I take the time to recharge myself in any capacity that I see fit.

If this resonated with you or you would like to share your experiences, feel free to contact me at hello@TheBriannaAmanda.com